HER I AM...

It's been a while since I posted on my blog.  Life has been very trying, exhausting and overwhelming.  I have been living in a defense and reaction mode for too long. It's affecting my faith, my body, my mind and my spirit.  It has been a deep valley.

My Mother passed away a few weeks ago after a long battle with dementia.  She was tired and in pain. At 3 days shy of her 97th birthday, she finally rested and went to sleep. This morning our neighbor, Harold passed away.  I am at that stage in life where losing friends and family is happening too often.  My grandmother warned me of these days.  Now they are here.

Mom's passing was not peaceful. This is something I have not understood. I have had doubts and confusion wondering where my Saviour was and what was His plan.  I know He will reveal it to me when He thinks I am ready. I really feel that the answers are inside my soul, I just have not been open to receiving. I am in a high protection mode right now, and I am praying.

I haven't seen my daughter in five years.  I needed her. She is not going to be here, ever and that has been a daily mental battle with depression. There was so much hate, and it continues.  Distance is a matter of survival.

So here I am, trying to find my new and different direction, different goals, feeling lost and physically out of control. Fibromyalgia does that. Sleep patterns, appetite, focus, and pain control has been challenging and continues.  Hopefully writing this all down will ease my physical pain, help me sort some thoughts, and help me get back to a routine, whatever that may be.

Brain dump:

WEATHER here in the Ozarks is hot, humid, cool, stormy and all that comes in between. Today it is hot, humid, and everything is wet after a good rain last night.  The sky lit up at 3am this morning, lightning lit the sky and a heavy rain fell.

AROUND THE HOUSE I see food that I do not want to eat, a refrigerator that needs purged and sanitized, a bathroom that also needs a good clean from top to bottom, decorations for the 4th of July parade and boat ride are piled up and ready, laundry is caught up. Of course, I can always dust and wash windows, that is part of our Ozarks life.

CREATIVELY I have closed my facebook account.  I recently added content creator to my profile and facebook started wanting me to pay them money. I was not out to make money, I just wanted to have some creative fun. Then I got hacked.  Yes, I could have tried to fix it. But at the same time my Mother was facing her last breath on this earth, we were traveling in the car 5 hours a day, and it just seemed to be so unimportant, I deleted it. Sure I can rebuild it, but I just am not a fan of the facebook program and the lack of control it gives me.  I am going to play with Instagram a little bit and see if I can "enjoy" the experience.

WANTS: 

Hang the new mirror in the master bathroom, install the new sconces, paint it a new color. 

Sell the large oak chest in our master bedroom, move the black bench in its place and have nothing in front of our big triple window which also has an ac vent in the floor.  I would like our bedroom to feel a bit more feminine.  Sometimes I focus on function and forget that I am also a girl.

Paint our dining room furniture? Our dining room has no outside light and is dark.  I love the dark and moody feeling we get with lamps but the furniture is brown and some color in there would make it a big and brighter space.

We have been in our lake house almost two years now.  I spent the first year just putting things away where we had space.  We are blessed with lots of closets and storage spaces in our home.  Then we began our human pattern building.  Our favorite place to sit, to watch tv, to create, to work, to cook, etc. began to develop.  I have heard you need to live in your space and get to know how you use it. True for me. This next year I am focusing on making our home pretty and attractive to my eyes.  We will see where that goes.  My tastes have changed and I need more femininity surrounding me on a daily basis.

PRAYERS FOR MYSELF:  Dear Father, thank you that you want me to get my hopes up. You want me to start expecting good things to happen in my life. Where my faith is weak, please help me to grow stronger so I can trust You to deliver what my Faith expects.

A young man told me "God bless you" today.  A walmart employee gave me their patriotic headband and told me I was pretty.  A stranger opened the store door for me.  A neighbor made me home made lasagne, made from scratch. I made a neighbor homemade brownies.  My husband brought me my a large cup of ice from the local store and shopped Walmart for necessities.  I have a good life. I have love. I live in a nice home surrounded by beauty in every direction.  I am blessed and I need that reminder today, that life is good, even when I am sad. Even when my heart is broken and feels alone.

I am sending positive energy to all, and to myself.  Love is appreciated.

Jackie

aka GeeDazee

Catching up.

 Hello out there,

I miss blogging so I am going to be attempting to get back to writing more often.

Yesterday, while sitting on our patio looking at our pond I saw it start turning.  We have been here 22 years and each spring and fall the pond water will turn.  This is the first time I have ever seen it happen and was able to watch it happen over a 2 hour period.  The water was crystal clear, you could see all the way to the bottom.  Then it started getting cloudy at the south end, looked like smoke or steam rising from the water.  Slowly it creeped along until half the pond looked like it was in a hazy meadow.  This was 7 pm in the evening on a hot sunny day.  By dark the pond was no longer smoky above the water and it just appeared to be cloudy.  This morning it is back to being clear again.  Nature amazes me.

Today is a hot one, the thermometer is reading 99 and sunny.  Thehubs is mowing, the heat will force him to take many breaks. Yesterday I picked my first cucumber from my garden. We have 2 semi ripe tomatoes and will probably eat them this weekend.  So far we have had onions, beets, dill, radishes, and peas.  For a very small space, we do seem to get a good yield.  In past years the garden was bigger, but at age 65 with 5 fusions in my back, it is now a lot smaller.  Thehubs built me a sidewalk all the way around our house about 3-4 feet from our home.  This area is much easier to weed and prepare and I can stay on the sidewalk when I work it.

We are still looking for a home in another city. We currently have 2 acres of landscaped yard and a large home with storage buildings. I am ready for a smaller home, a smaller yard and more time to enjoy laughing and exploring.  I am ready for a smaller chore list.  My back is ready too.

I was very blessed  and thankful for a friend that recommended a fantastic cleaning lady.  She is the only helper I have had that has told me to pay her what God lays upon my heart.  I pay her well, as she does all the hard stuff while I do the easy stuff.  Her hands are strong, her heart is giving and she made my bathrooms sparkle.  Thank you Dear Lord for sending her my way.

I was blessed with a visit with a long time blogging friend Linda and Louis Dean Chapman.  Linda's blog is https://lindaslifejournal-artlady1948.blogspot.com/   named Linda's Life Journal.  She was one of the first bloggers to welcome me with open arms to the blogging world.  She is way more disciplined than I!  She has continued to blog and getting to know her is a wonderful experience.  She is so kind and her blog reflects her wisdom and creativity.  We drove the hour and a half to meet up with Linda, LOuis Dean, Brenda and Billy in Branson, MO.  They had been in Branson to see some shows and had rented a cabin.  Linda and I connected and planned to meet.  They are so gracious on the way there she text me and said they would serve us brunch when we arrived.  Delicious food around a table of friends, felt so good!  Thank you Lord for this, for Linda, Ld, Billy and Brenda.

Lord, I thank you for this blogging platform and all the good people who use it.  

Thank you for stopping by.

A little of my world

 Hello dear friends,

Maybe it is time for me to make a post about my home decor.  I don't claim to be a decorator. I love what I have and most of it is a collection of items gathered over the last 25 years.

Comfort is number one for us, function is just as important. So as I take you through my home today, you may see bits of everything.  Mostly, I have plants.  I love plants, especially small ones that I can grow along with.

I love these carts!  Thehubs hates them but when I vacuum they just roll out of the way, they store anything and can even be used outside.

I also love my vegetable/fruit wire bins. I have had them forever. They are great storage.

We built our home 23 years ago. Board by board, each one touched by thehubs. We had left our 3600+sq ft home with an inground pool and walkout basement, 5 bedrooms, in the city. The kids had all moved out and the big house was too much for thehubs and I. 

This is our back yard.

February is not a goo dmonth for pictures.

Today, the wind is blowing, it is 35 degrees.

Everything is brown and muddy.

Typical Missouri February.

Thanks for stopping by!

JackieSee

aka

GeeDazee

Another Monday

 Dear Friends, I will be glad to see January come to an end. It has been cloudy, cold and wet. Our weatherman tells us that February will begin with sunshine and warmer temperatures!

The pond has been frozen for a few weeks and slowly it turns to slush. When I look outside, I am reminded of the movie Funny Farm with Chevy Chase. That movie always makes me laugh! 

We live in the country, as I have for most of my life.  Life here is changing though.  We now have people living here and not respecting our laws, our neighbors, our quiet or our friendliness.  They are currently disobeying laws, being a problem with their neighbors and throwing their trash anywhere they want.  I understand that coming across our border with no plans, no money, no direction gives them little choices. Afterall, choices are a luxury for most people. But to just throw your trash out your door onto the neighbors is not American. Then them telling the community that "There is more to come" has raised concern.  You see, we are a good 30 minutes from 911. We depend on each other, on being aware and protecting each other. I pray that these new neighbors and their new community within our community learn that we need each other.

I awoke at 4 am this morning. I hurt from pain in my bones, my old bones, my not so great bones. I saw my cousin's home wake up and leave for work, then another cousin, then another. I am surrounded by family, mostly cousins younger than me, and their kids.  My brother bought the land years ago and then built a pond and a private lane.  He then sold lots to each of our family and we have all built new homes here. I have over 30 years of hard labor in this land, it is beautiful to sit and watch the sun rise up over our pond.

I love Mondays here. It is a quiet catch up day with all the kids back to school and work. A day for me to catch up on my thoughts and duties. My heart tachycardia seems to be less painful and less occuring, at least the intensity of it. My new hip and spine are getting stronger, at a painful and slow pace, due to being flat on my back for over 4 months. I am now only taking 2-4 tylenol per day or less. The work is paying off.

January included some purging, cleaning and organizing. My pantry, didn't get torn apart and wiped clean this year, But it did get wiped, purged and organized. I also concentrated on our bathroom cabinets.  I have a very large three-mirrored medicine cabinet that is great storage. But most of the storage is in lower cabinets, which I don't bend or kneel as easy as I use to. I keep our towels in a cabinet in a corner next to the toilet.  I don't like them there, too hard to twist, bend and kneel so I plan to find a way to move lesser used items into that cabinet. They have some really nice organizers available now, and its a good time to get it done.

It is winter, so not much going on except plans for this years garden. I wanted to order from Park seeds but wow, $50 for 5 seeds packets, had to think on that one. I still may as their quality is top notch but wow, I am having an adjustment period before pay now button is clicked.  Their radish seeds are the best I have ever planted. I want to plant peas, radishes, lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes and maybe potatoes. Also I will need the flowers and herbs to draw in the pollinators! 

Our Kansas City Chiefs are going to the SuperBowl!!!!  Yea, we love KC!  We live about 2 hours south and we take short trips to the city to shop and eat great food.  KC Barbecue, yum!!

aka: jackiesee

Talking to Myself

 It's going to get very cold in the next few days.  

That is not unusual for January.  Thehubs has his 75th Birthday Sunday and we had planned to spend a nice evening at the local casino. But, the Chiefs play Saturday night and this weather will be so cold. Instead we will have a few people over to watch the game and I will prepare appetizers.  I am thinking spinach artichoke dip, pickle roll ups, wings, maybe chili with red velvet cake for his sweet birthday.

I am still healing from my spine and hip surgeries.

I am progressing very well and just have to be patient.  I didn't know that carrying something in your hands while walking could be so hard.  I will be using my bone stimulator another 4 months for 2 hours a day. I am lucky I have always done stretches and rotations for my fibromyalgia. This has been a big benefit in my recovery.

My mental health is getting better. I just started a new anxiety medicine and so far it is helping with a few side effects. Hopefully I won't be on it long.  I have had a hard time picking myself up after these few months of so much pain.  I do know that a younger body heals faster than this old one.  I have been tested and I am working to get better. I have a great psychologist and she is opening my eyes to what I had lost when we buried our kids these past few years. We are still lost at the holidays. It is hard to say that I am no longer a mom, it hurts, and I need to find my own identity. 2024 will be interesting. I am walking in uncharted territory.

My word for 2024 is kindness. I want to be more kind, be surrounded by kind souls, feel the kindness of others and give kindness first. I also plan to remove myself from unkind conversations or events. My second word is fun.  I want more fun, to be more fun and to laugh more.

Hodge Podge answers

Joining in over at

From this Side of the Pond Blog

Hodgepodge Questions

1. If your life had a theme song for this past year what would it be? 

I can't think of any particular song. I like all different kinds of music. My favorite, I guess, would be Chris Stapleton's Music. The National Anthem at last year's superbowl made me so emotional.

2. Chocolate cake, chocolate milkshake, chocolate ice cream, chocolate truffle, chocolate mousse, chocolate candy bar or a fudgy chocolate brownie...of the chocolate treats listed, which one is your favorite? Which one have you tasted most recently? Or maybe you don't like chocolate???

All of the above. I love sweets.

3. What has surprised you recently? 

The lack of respect and compassion breeding in our society, a lack of trust in our government, the invasion of single males walking into our county from other countries.

4. September 19th is National Voter Registration Day in the US. Are you registered to vote in whatever state or country you happen to live in right now? If not, why not? Not counting a political race, what's something you've had to vote on recently? 

We live out in the country so we do not vote on any city ballots.  We never vote for regulations, limits, or fees that others in the city experience. I vote no on any new taxes, they never have enough, ever!  Our school taxes are enormous.

5. Do you like to hike? If so, when's the last time you went hiking and where'd ya go? If you're not a hiker are you a walker? Is walking (for exercise, etc.) part of your daily/weekly routine? 

I have not hiked in several years due to cranky bones. Tomorrow I am getting spine surgery that should help with that. We are surrounded by woods and creeks so I can hike just about anywhere I want.

6. Insert your own random thought here. 

Another Monday - Hello August!

Good Morning Neighbors.

August is here and I am excited for fall.

I hope I will be able to walk again without pain soon.

My hip surgery is scheduled for the 17th and I pray the pain will be gone shortly after.

I am joining in with Sandra over at

Family Corner Blog for her 

HAPPY HOMEMAKER MONDAY!

THE WEATHER:

Better than July, hot but tolerable, overcast skies and a nice breeze.

We might get rain on Tuesday but this is the Ozarks and

Mother Nature is moody, very moody!

OUT MY WINDOW:

Sitting at my dining table I can see our pond, blooming red flowers and kayaks.

Thehubs and I have created a beautiful yard and landscape.

RIGHT NOW I AM:

Blogging, reading and drinking coffee. 

Our sinuses are stuffed so we are waiting for our sinus medication to kick in.

Kitty has been outside and is now asleep in her bed.

Thehubs is working in his office and the house is quiet.

THINKING AND PONDERING:

Boredom.  A list of house work. Laundry. Pain in my hip, back and legs.

This summer has been spent inside using a walker and I have had very little communication to and from my normal world.  Work ethic is big here in Missouri. If my hip wasn't bone on bone, I would have been outside working with the others. It has been a very lonely summer.

Our 25th Wedding Anniversary was a bad memory and how to change the trajectory of our future.

Praying that our 26th Wedding Anniversary is a good memory.

LISTENING TO:

Nothing but quiet.

The sound of my home.

The wonderful cool air blowing through the air vents.

HOW AM I FEELING:

Pain, stopped up nose, ringing ears.

Like an alien in my own body.

Confused, too much stress and too little relief from it.

FOOD:

I have a freezer full of meat, and a pantry full of vegetables.

The fresh vegetables are tapering off.

I fried sweet potatoes last night for the first time and they were delicious.

Too hard to plan right now, our eating schedule is eat whenever.

The benefit of retirement I guess.

WHAT AM I WEARING:

Long gown pajamas with soft socks.

My favorite would be jeans and t-shirt.

ON MY READING PILE:

Blogs, Instagram

ON MY TV THIS WEEK:

Nothing, we rarely watch it.

Too much want, too much sex, too much of too much of everything.

ON THE MENU:

Not sure, have lots of food and will decide each day.

LOOKING AROUND THE HOUSE:

The house is good.

Dishes, laundry, general pickup and of course dirty toilets.

I will be needing to repot some plants.

Our bed is on the floor due to my hip so

my bedroom looks a bit un-done.

I ordered two prints from Kirklands for my birthday.

I love them but am hitting a blank when it comes to hanging them.

I hope to get my fall decor down this week.

I am hoping it cheers me up.

TO DO LIST:

Get some new glasses.

Paint light over kitchen sink.

Cook a meal for our neighbor that is so helpful.

Mail a card to a friend in need of some uplifting words.

Take Mom for ice cream.

DEVOTION:

Thank you for coming over to visit. I am glad you stopped by.

Jackie See

aka GeeDazee

Another Monday - the end of July

Today is the last day of July and I think everyone is glad to see it go. This week's temperature outside is expected to reach 108 degrees.  I have had an outdoor thermometer for almost 20 years and this is the first time it's used three digits. To sum it up, July was HOT, painfully hot.

I turned 65 and with that came all of the medicare mail. I am very popular right now with medicare solicitors. They call, they email, and the mail box if full.  So confusing, but I stayed to the helm and managed to get one that fits my needs. Now to notify all the medical angels that are in my life.

We lost a dear friend yesterday to a brain bleed after a fall. Another reminder to get out and visit all those who hold a place in my heart. However, as I age and my body fails, this is not an easy trip.

I also found out that I am in extreme need of two surgeries, hip replacement and 3 spinal fusions (I already have two). This will be my23rd and 24th surgery so nothing is going to surprise me.  But, this is the first time I have had to wait in a line for 2 months to get in.  In pain, and waiting my turn, another 2 months to go.

Now on to Happy Homemaker link up:

Come and join the party by linking up with

www.familycorner.blogspot.com

The weather:

inside it will be 76 degree and I pray that our ac unit survives. I also pray for those who are going to have to choose between paying their electric bill and other necessities. There are a lot seniors suffering with this economy right now and a $300-$400 electric bill will take a large percentage of their social security.

Out my window:

Looking out my dining room window, I can see the gorgeous flower pots of geraniums and hibiscus still blooming.   I love this view, even though our back covered patio is really thehubs mancave. In between flowers you will find yard tools, work gloves, shoes and a beer fridge! He loves it out there and usually has evening guests that stop by for a cold beer and to say hello.

Right now I am:

Doing laundry, dishes, preparing files for phone calls this afternoon, and emptying my mind of words. 

Thinking and Pondering:

How full of words I am and how it all feels raw. I want to get out of this survival mindset. I really need a break from my environment, the past year it hasn't been healthy for me. I've dreamed of getting in my car and driving away not even knowing where I am going, just driving. Then I wake up and everything is the same. Thinking about losing my legs and not being able to walk or work, scary thoughts right now.

Listening to:

My washer, dryer and dishwasher and the ringing in my ears. It is now harvest season for local fields and the dust in the air is high which makes our eyes itch, ear ring and our sinuses stuffy.

How am I feeling:

Trying to empty and organize my thoughts today. So many to do's and no one to help. It's lonely when you lose your children.

Food:

I have a refrigerator full of food. BBQ pork steak, Grilled filet mignon, grilled vegetables, fresh vegetables from our garden and several bags of delicious fruit. I am not a good eater. I lost my colon, then have had more surgeries that have ended up with me having a belly full of scar tissue. I eat about every two hours, small portions.  I usually divide a meal for thehubs into small portions for me and I eat one vegetable at a time throughout my day. At the end of the day I have eaten a full meal, just in 2 hour increments. I can't lose a damn pound... because I drink a gallon and of milk and 2 days. I love milk.

What I am wearing:  Lounging pajamas. I am cleaning house, even with a walker, and trying to get it finished before I need to make phone calls this afternoon.

On my reading pile:

My journal and some blogs. I enjoy reading everyday people doing everyday things. Like walking next door and having a glass of iced tea.

On my tv this week:

I don't watch much television. I use to watch the news but turned that off when I felt I was being told what they wanted me to hear. So we just leave it turned off. 

On the menu:

listed above.

Looking around the house:

It is in good shape, just the usuals, laundry, dishes, and dirty toilets. Too hot to even go outside.

To do list:

To much to list. I am a caregiver to my Mom. and July wasn't good for her. I have been immobile and I only saw her once. August has to include new glasses, maybe a surgery I hope, dental repairs, and a promise to keep blogging. Hoping it helps me organize and understand my thoughts better.

Devotion:

~jackiesee~

Reading my words

Hello friends,

It has been quite a week, busy with doctor appointments and tests. 

But I will recap and tell you about it. 

I want to tell you this is going to be a format I hope to use to help me feel worthy again. No one's fault, just part of life. I spent my life in second and third place and now that I am all that is left, I am not sure who or what I am.  I am lost.

This will be part of my awakening journey.

Random thoughts, taking out the brain trash, so to say.

My week always starts on Monday or as I remember it's my Fosamax day.

I had an MRI on my spine and hips. I had tried to do it last week but my hip pain was too much and I tapped out after 32 minutes laying flat. So, the doctor sent me some pills to take prior to ease my pain and help me relax. 

They worked. 

But the rest of my day was a slow one.

It was so hot out, that staying inside reading blogs and napping was okay with me.

Poor hubs has been on watering duty all this week. 

It has been 104 degrees, 

one morning our patio thermometer read 116.

Tuesday was an office day. Gathering information and then sharing information. With 2 surgeries facing me and all the stuff they do to you once you reach that "age", there is a lot of files being shared. 

Again, it was too hot to go outside. The garden has been giving us beautiful tomatoes, cucumbers, and friends have been sharing eggs. I made a meal of tomato and bacon sandwiches (on homemade bread), boiled eggs, and fresh cucumber salad. I treated myself to a hot fudge sundae on the patio late that night.

Wednesday began early with my nuclear stress test. It was not fun. At its fastest, my heart only beat 77 bpm. I passed out and stopped breathing. It only lasted a minute and it began to get better and slowly the medicine began to fade. That was after 3 needle sticks to get a vein. It was another hot day so inside was better than outside.

I made tuna salad sandwiches on butter bread, with pickled beets and cold boiled eggs, and of course our gifts from our garden, sliced tomatoes and cucumbers.

Thursday I was blessed with thehubs running errands for myself and my Mom. We both got new walkers.  Mom is so happy! She needs hers for balance and I need mine up to and after the coming surgeries.

I took care of the insurance paperwork and I was shocked at the difference in the cost, insurance verses cash. Insurance $138.00 - cash $85, same walker, same day, same place. Humm....

Today is Friday.

Thehubs and I are not on the same page at the same time regarding our workload.  I have been slowing down for a couple of years and spent a lot of my energy and time in trying to make our landscape easier to take care of as we age. We have a beautiful home that we built with the help of family. It sits on 2+ acres with one side of it being the family pond. Tons of weed eating, and mowing. Thehubs also mows the neighbors 5 acres and brushhogs the ditches along our roads.

He is 74 and I am 65.

I know I told him I would work in my gardens even if I had to work on my stomach with only one hand.  I don't want to give up gardening,

My body would like to clean one garden, not five.

PONDERING:

Jason Aldean's Song

"Try that in a small town"

click here to watch.

I live in a small rural town, 20 miles from any city.

We lie down dirt roads and river crossings.

It takes 20 to 30 minutes to get help from 911.

My need my neighbors and they need me.

We share food, time, kids, toys, rides, and more.

We go to church together; we go to school together.

We will protect each other.

I remember my grandmother lived in Los Angeles, California

and she walked each morning up to her local family-owned food market and bought her supplies of fresh fruit and meats for the day.

She lived right in the middle of traffic and noise but she had a neighborhood. A neighborhood that cared, neighbors that helped and shared and looked out for each other.  Neighbors who were proud to fly our American Flag in their yard.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED?

Moving On...

Positive thoughts for today: