GeeDazee

 HER I AM...

It's been a while since I posted on my blog.  Life has been very trying, exhausting and overwhelming.  I have been living in a defense and reaction mode for too long. It's affecting my faith, my body, my mind and my spirit.  It has been a deep valley.

My Mother passed away a few weeks ago after a long battle with dementia.  She was tired and in pain. At 3 days shy of her 97th birthday, she finally rested and went to sleep. This morning our neighbor, Harold passed away.  I am at that stage in life where losing friends and family is happening too often.  My grandmother warned me of these days.  Now they are here.

Mom's passing was not peaceful. This is something I have not understood. I have had doubts and confusion wondering where my Saviour was and what was His plan.  I know He will reveal it to me when He thinks I am ready. I really feel that the answers are inside my soul, I just have not been open to receiving. I am in a high protection mode right now, and I am praying.

I haven't seen my daughter in five years.  I needed her. She is not going to be here, ever and that has been a daily mental battle with depression. There was so much hate, and it continues.  Distance is a matter of survival.

So here I am, trying to find my new and different direction, different goals, feeling lost and physically out of control. Fibromyalgia does that. Sleep patterns, appetite, focus, and pain control has been challenging and continues.  Hopefully writing this all down will ease my physical pain, help me sort some thoughts, and help me get back to a routine, whatever that may be.

Brain dump:

WEATHER here in the Ozarks is hot, humid, cool, stormy and all that comes in between. Today it is hot, humid, and everything is wet after a good rain last night.  The sky lit up at 3am this morning, lightning lit the sky and a heavy rain fell.

AROUND THE HOUSE I see food that I do not want to eat, a refrigerator that needs purged and sanitized, a bathroom that also needs a good clean from top to bottom, decorations for the 4th of July parade and boat ride are piled up and ready, laundry is caught up. Of course, I can always dust and wash windows, that is part of our Ozarks life.

CREATIVELY I have closed my facebook account.  I recently added content creator to my profile and facebook started wanting me to pay them money. I was not out to make money, I just wanted to have some creative fun. Then I got hacked.  Yes, I could have tried to fix it. But at the same time my Mother was facing her last breath on this earth, we were traveling in the car 5 hours a day, and it just seemed to be so unimportant, I deleted it. Sure I can rebuild it, but I just am not a fan of the facebook program and the lack of control it gives me.  I am going to play with Instagram a little bit and see if I can "enjoy" the experience.

WANTS: 

Hang the new mirror in the master bathroom, install the new sconces, paint it a new color. 

Sell the large oak chest in our master bedroom, move the black bench in its place and have nothing in front of our big triple window which also has an ac vent in the floor.  I would like our bedroom to feel a bit more feminine.  Sometimes I focus on function and forget that I am also a girl.

Paint our dining room furniture? Our dining room has no outside light and is dark.  I love the dark and moody feeling we get with lamps but the furniture is brown and some color in there would make it a big and brighter space.

We have been in our lake house almost two years now.  I spent the first year just putting things away where we had space.  We are blessed with lots of closets and storage spaces in our home.  Then we began our human pattern building.  Our favorite place to sit, to watch tv, to create, to work, to cook, etc. began to develop.  I have heard you need to live in your space and get to know how you use it. True for me. This next year I am focusing on making our home pretty and attractive to my eyes.  We will see where that goes.  My tastes have changed and I need more femininity surrounding me on a daily basis.

PRAYERS FOR MYSELF:  Dear Father, thank you that you want me to get my hopes up. You want me to start expecting good things to happen in my life. Where my faith is weak, please help me to grow stronger so I can trust You to deliver what my Faith expects.

A young man told me "God bless you" today.  A walmart employee gave me their patriotic headband and told me I was pretty.  A stranger opened the store door for me.  A neighbor made me home made lasagne, made from scratch. I made a neighbor homemade brownies.  My husband brought me my a large cup of ice from the local store and shopped Walmart for necessities.  I have a good life. I have love. I live in a nice home surrounded by beauty in every direction.  I am blessed and I need that reminder today, that life is good, even when I am sad. Even when my heart is broken and feels alone.

I am sending positive energy to all, and to myself.  Love is appreciated.

Jackie

aka GeeDazee