I do feel better. My body is still fighting itself but my energy level is much improved. We had a good weekend with family, church and dinner out. It felt like a normal Sunday.

Mom is failing more each time I take her somewhere. This morning she was totally confused as to her blood pressure. She said she had called the doctor and his nurse had told her they want her blood pressure below 60. Then 10 minutes later her explanation was not making sense at all.  I kept asking her what her blood pressure was but she wasn't making any sense of any of it. I finally was able to understand that she hadn't slept well and had gotten up and taken a tranzene.

We drove into town and I took her to Hobby Lobby. She has no balance so she must hang on to my arm to stay upright so I get her out of the car carefully. We came around the end of the car and she couldn't get her foot on the ground.  It was like her depth perception was not working and she was trying to put her foot down about a foot above the pavement. I hung on to her tight to keep her from falling. Her steps are now only about 6 inches at a time, so we move very slowly and others must wait.

As soon as I got her in the store and put the cart in front of her she grabbed on and went to shopping.  It was like a miracle, she was walking fast, knew exactly where she was going and enjoyed every minute of her 2 hours at Hobby Lobby. She left with a cart full of goodies, a big smile on her face and telling me what all she was making for presents for people for Christmas. Our postmaster, our girls at city hall, the maintenance men at city hall, our mayor, her craft friends, her church secretary, the preachers wife, etc.

I did buy a book while I was staying one aisle away (so I could keep an eye on her) Magnolia Story by Chip and Joanna Gaines. I admire their strength as a couple working together.


I'm saving it for when our son in law Jason has his cancer surgery next week.  We are planning on taking shifts so that someone is always with him those first few days. They are telling us he will be in the hospital 14-21 days to to just expect complications. He will be put on a ventilator during surgery as they have to collapse his lung to get to the tumor. He will have many incisions and drains and will be unable to eat or drink until they can make sure the connection of what is left of his esophagus and stomach are connected with no leaks and completely healed. This is so scary to think about.

I am glad to be home for a few days. Even if the house is dirty and in need of a good vacuuming. I've got the laundry going and plan on doing a heavy cleaning of the fridge. Country Pork Ribs are in the crockpot, cooked apples and fried cabbage will be the sides. Kitty is asleep in her bowl in the middle of the living room floor. She rests so easy, I'm jealous.


I feel more grateful today.
For that I am grateful alone.

I'm falling...

These past few days have been very hard. I feel my attitude slipping, my body is arguing, and mother nature is being mean to me. Today feels like its a mountain, yesterday was a mountain and so was the day before.

Being a caregiver is trying. It can wear you down. I am watching my mother's world get smaller. Her thinking now is mostly just her needs, they worry her, she wakes up each morning thinking about what she needs. It is sad. Our conversations are mostly reminders of what I need to do for her. Her memory is fading and her thoughts are limited.  Sometimes I wonder if her staying in her home is what is best for her.  Her only contact is my brother and I.  Mom was never a family person, her interests were always in her hobbies and clubs. We are surrounded by family in our small town but they are strangers when it comes to mom. I don't blame anyone for this, it was just mom being mom but it makes me sad that as she got older she had no desire to get close to anyone but my brother and I. Now our conversations are just taking care of her needs then she is ready for us to leave. She seems happy being alone with her things.

She let her helper go, told her she no longer needed her. Her helper was such a big relief to me. She gave her a good bath once a week, checked her body for sores, bruises, etc. rubbed her with lotion and cleaned her house. She was trained to take care of elderly bodies, minds and habits.  Now I have lost that trained eye. When I go up to check on Mom, she meets me at the door to her kitchen, immediately speaks of the tasks or errands I need to run for her, and then she is ready for me to leave. There is no asking me to come in and sit down, or stay to visit but there really never has been. She did slip yesterday and admitted that she has been leaving a burner on her stove on so now she cooks her food one at a time.  I know in her mind she is adapting to her body's limits. I take her food but she eats what she wants when she wants. When do we intervene? Do we? Or do we continue to let her live out her life as she chooses?

I had to intervene once and it was not good. We had been going back and forth over her medicine. I would put her pills in her daily keeper for her. She would then take what she thought she wanted and add more when she wanted. Finally our doctor told her enough was enough. We were then able to switch her to the prepackaged daily (morning, noon and evening for her) pill packs from our pharmacy.  She was mad at me for over a month over that.  Then her helper found mom had a bottle of thyroid medicine hidden in her bedroom that she was still taking when she wanted to.

Then there is my body. It has a mind of its own and lately it has been angry. Fibromyalgia is making my skin burn and feel like a terrible sunburn, especially where skin meets skin, my hands, feet and underarms are extremely painful today. I wear soft loose fitting clothes, mostly soft cottons, to ease the sensitivity. This works much better than any pill. My joints are tight, and I find them drawing up when I am still. My finger tips have no feeling except lots of pins and needles poking them. So I drop things. I am clumsy and slow.

I had a nuclear stress test last week for my tachycardia after my ekg showed abnormalities. I feel it is stress, just as it was 3 years ago. I am still waiting on the results, but I am not too concerned about it today. It just slows me down sometimes.

This week our local farmers will start cutting their corn. With the ragweed, dust and mold readings already so high the cutting of these dusty corn stalks with only make it worse. But it only lasts about a week and then they will be done, We are using lots of Puffs with lotion, tylenol cold and sinus, flonase and my nedi pot. I just got off a round of antibiotics for a sinus infection, but the headache is still here.  I am ready for the cooler weather.

Our son in law will have his cancer surgery in a couple of weeks. I will be staying with him during the day at the hospital and then at home through his 6-8 week recovery. I pray that his surgery is a success and that his body adapts to not having a real stomach or esophagus. I also pray that they do not find any more cancer. The chemo and radiation have made him weak, but he is in good hands with his medical team.  He is having a hard time, both of his parents died in their 40's from cancer and he has no siblings. He knows first hand what cancer can do.

I am tired. I remember my father telling me to just get up and pull my boots up by the strap and go on. I also remember telling him that my boot straps were worn out and broken. That is how I feel today. I have done my morning stretches, which were painful. I have read my devotions and lit my prayer candle. I have journalled my blessings and gratitude. I have blessed others with thinking of you cards to mail, and some food to share.  I have hugged my husband and played with kitty.

But I still feel this way. Today I just don't feel very grateful. Today I don't feel like me.

a tough year part two...

Kitty likes to lay in her bowl and watch tv in the evenings. There has been a lot of laying around going on here in our household lately.  I have a large deep vein thrombosis in my leg, extending from my hip to my ankle. I was put on  Xarelto and bedrest for 7 days as I watched my ankle slowly turn from looking like a bowl of purple spaghetti to a swollen shade of medium blue.  The Xarelto is working and I am doing much better.  It looks like I may be on it for the next 6 months. I have had no side effects so far and I feel quite a bit better.

Our backyard

Our weather forecast predicted 5-6 inches for us here in the corner of Missouri. We ended up with barely enough snow to cover the ground along with cloudy skies and a strong northerly wind. The cows are down in the valley and the birds are enjoying the corn chops in their big feeder.

Me, the hubs and Mom in 1998

Mom is almost 90 years old has been doing real well. She mysteriously ended up with two black eyes last Sunday and her diahrea is still a big problem. We are tracking what she eats and looking for something we can change. At first I thought it may be a day with too much dairy, as she also has a lot of gas. We can laugh at it, we have to. When you are crawling on the floor of the mcdonalds bathroom trying to clean your moms mess and change her underwear, you have to laugh or you may cry. 

She eats pretty much what she wants (ice cream, cheesecake, crackers, candy) when she wants but I did convince her to eat a bowl of bran cereal once a day. Sometimes she cooperates without hesitation, but sometimes she will disagree and hold her ground. 

Mom was always a very independent lady and it is hard for her to trust others to do things she is used to doing herself.

Tomorrow I will take her to our family doctor. He has suggested switching her to a pill pack prepared by the pharmacy. It will have her name on it and the day and time it is to be taken.  Mom has been refusing to do it and it has reached a point that it needs to be done. How do you tell your mom that you don't trust her to be taking her medicine correctly? That her mind isn't healthy enough?

Dementia is a roller coaster.

We take it one day at a time.
#ourdementiajourney

Prayers are welcome and appreciated if you believe.

A tough year...

2017 wasn't a lot of fun. 

Mom has dementia.

My mom will soon be 90 years old. She has lived a very active life and just recently resigned as an alderman in her small town. She was treasurer of our church, several craft organizations and our cemetery association.

Until June of last year.

We noticed her making mistakes and losing things. We began to see her exert a few episodes of frustration over something small or not important at all. She even hit a pole with her car.

Then in September she had a stroke. We have since spent several hours in the emergency room trying to understand what is happening to her and how to deal with it. From days of diarrhea, extreme high and low blood pressure to fainting and balance issues.

We are learning.

We are blessed with a truly merciful doctor whose staff are patient and so kind.  We are also blessed that we have a dear friend who has a lot of experience in this type of care and has offered to come in when needed. 

Mom will stay in her home as long as possible. She is happy there with all her memories. It is familiar to her.