Thursday, January 21, 2016

What? Change the name?

On March 3, 2013, at 7:04 am in the morning, I created my blog. 

At first it was just a fun adventure, a place to store my writings, share my feelings, and journal about my experiences and thoughts.  

I loved learning. What a wonderful adventure Blogger opened for me. I would learn to publish, create, work with photos, type and graphics, add buttons and experiment with layout and design, my one and only consecutive hobby.  I learned about Picmonkey and Pizap from Sandra, I learned about sharing and being unafraid from Linda, I traveled with Debbie, and felt courage and endurance from Scribbler.  The journey was fun, relaxing and exhilarating.

I didn't care who I was in blogland,
I was just me, a learning chameleon,
growing from each new friend.

Then came the doubts... I must do better.  My blog must be more. I needed to choose my place in blogland and meet others expectations, follow regularly, comment regularly, my photos had to be perfect, thinking that my blog posts had to be planned and executed to the precision of a magazine article worthy of a mass media production.

It became a job.
I lost my way.
I lost my
"undemanded unpurpose".

Then, the everyday outside world demanded more and more of my time. Oh it was to be a temporary life situation, but the next 12 months are looking the same as the last twelve. I watched as my health deteriorated. Perhaps, I thought, my situation may not change, but my time was still mine to own, to make it what I want it to be. This included my blog.

So if you follow my blog, or follow me, or just happen by you will see some changes happening.  Not sure what they will be, or where this will take me, or where I will end up.  A brand new adventure is about to begin with no rules, no expectations, or even a destination.

formerly Dazee

My first blog post on March 3, 2013 at 7:04am:

Today is my beginning, my new journal to myself. I will borrow, beg, plead, appreciate and post items that make me happy, lift me up and keep me moving in a positive direction. I will include MUSIC, ART, PHOTOGRAPHY, QUOTES, RECIPES and anything else that makes me smile each day. I will address subjects that are laying heavy on my mind, my dreams, my hopes, and my losses.

Dear self, this is a new beginning in my journal writing. I have written journal entries in the past. They are scattered about, in many different places. They are unorganized,and not easy to find. Some are positive, some are negative and some don't make any sense.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

It just spins...

That little circle on my computer screen, it just spins and spins and spins. Then it reboots, on its own, and I get the message that 94 updates are installing and do not turn the computer off.  So... I go to the bathroom. I go outside.  Then I come back and watch that circle spin.

Is it the router again?  Is my 6 year old laptop dieing a slow death? Or is it my anti-virus software?  I am out of guesses and repairs. I have deleted many programs, defragmented, cleaned up disk space, removed tools, and stripped it down to the bare bones, but that circle just spins.

My life has been like that
spinning circle these past months. 

I feel like I am just spinning and not accomplishing anything, like I never get my head above water, I just swim against the current, then I change and go with the current, but I just don't seem to be going anywhere.  I am stuck, with my circle spinning as if it is waiting for me to fix something. I just don't know where to begin fixing.

Life is like that sometimes.  

I have been down this road before, several times in this life of 57 years. Whether it was a financial crisis, family crisis, health crisis, or job crisis, something changed my path and got me back on track.  Something hard came into my life, rallied me up and got me going in a single direction again taking small steps that led to progress and clearer paths. My priorities got re-aligned.

I am reacting instead of feeling like I have some control over my days, my hours, my minutes.  I make plans, all with good intentions and promises to myself to hold firm and not let any situation change them. Then my day starts and my plans get put on hold. I just start reacting to what ever fire is out of control that day.

Somedays the biggest fire is my own body.  It can change my plans, reroute my intentions and make my day change it's course.

I have spent the past few months trying to breathe, with chest pains, throat and tongue blisters and ulcers, sweats, and now high blood pressure, brain fog and extreme exhaustion. I have tried and tried to pull my big girl panties up each morning and stay focused on being positive, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, get some exercise and fulfilling the commitments that I have made. Frankly, my big girl panties are worn out, the elastic is stretched to the point they won't even stay on.

I stay on top of the research, watching all of the experts in this field try to discover cures and new treatments. But not one of those sites ever told me about the side effects. Of course we all get the list written by a lawyer when we refill a prescription, but there are so many side effects listed, I think they just write them to cover their legalities. So last night I clicked on a new site, one where real patients write reviews and ask questions. I found over 800 other patients taking the same drug and they had all experienced my same symptoms. Some quit the medication, some didn't. Some suffered serious side effects and it appears I am also.  So it is time to change it. 

My hope is that the blisters on my throat and tongue go away, that my blood pressure goes down (and I no longer need another pill), that my heart stops racing, that I quit blacking out, that my equilibrium improves, my chest pains stop, my weight stops falling, and that my energy level goes back up. I will exchange pain relief for strength, energy and a brain that doesn't fog up. And maybe I can focus again, enjoy my time and make plans.

I enjoy reading my friends blogs had intended to write an apology to my blogging friends for being out of touch and not writing. 

But I had to be real.

I couldn't pretend that my life is full of roses, or my home is clean and ready for a photo shoot or that I am just too busy to post. Many times I have sat down to write something, even something small, and I have struggled with words. Words are my voice, my inner peace maker, and in the past few months I haven't been able to find them. At times I couldn't even remember my husbands name.

So this is my life, and hopefully I am headed in a better direction.  We will see. Maybe this circle will stop spinning...

Sunday, July 26, 2015


I sat across from a man, while he looked at me, directly into my eyes.  I didn't know him, all that I knew about him was that his name was Steve.  

He took my hands one at a time, and and held mine in his. His touch was soft and gentle. He sat there silent, our knees touching, just looking directly into my eyes, never looking away, totally undistracted.  

He asked me...

What do you want?

He didn't look away.  A few moments passed and he asked me again.

What do you want?

Again, he never looked away. I looked directly into his eyes. He asked me again.

What do you want?

He was totally focused on me, waiting for me to speak, never taking his eyes off mine. His hands felt warm and gentle. He asked me again.

What do you want?

My lips trembled, I struggled to answer his question but I couldn't.  Words just didn't matter to me. I wanted to feel his look, his touch, and absorb fully that he cared only about my answer.

I didn't know him. He didn't know me. He didn't ask about what I do, or where I am. He wanted nothing from me.  I knew we would never meet again, that this moment would only last a few minutes.

I wanted to feel it. 

I wanted to be paid attention to, by an undistracted man, who wanted to hear me, to remember my words, to look into my eyes and hear me.

I looked back at him, straight into his dark brown eyes, and said.

"I want to be heard."

More to come...

Daring to Dream

Battling Bare

Ash Wise

July 2015

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

I asked...

Being raised in the Quaker Faith,
I was taught from an early age
to ignore material pleasures. 

When I moved onto Gatlin Court, my neighbor was a very religious woman. We became very good friends. I loved Diane, she was fun, sincere and had a heart of gold. We shared birthdays, anniversaries and sorrows.  Diane was a member of a very large church that had a movie theater, a cafe, a coffee shop, a book store, and even a gym. 

One day we were talking and she told me she wanted an apple themed tea kettle for Christmas and had been asking God for one in her prayers.

You can ask God for material things?

That moment has always stood out for me
as I ponder moments of my life.

Another dear friend, Barbara,is a deeply prayerful lady with a vast knowledge of scripture. She can quote just about any one you ask her to.  She is a non-believer of organized religion, choosing to live her faith among the people. Paying a large electric bill for a large building is not in her beliefs, she prefers to spend her tithes on people in need. Barbara spends several days a week driving around our town helping strangers with gas, food, and transportation. All she asks in return is their permission to pray for them.

I told her one day that I have been praying for patience for most of my adult life, really since our kids reached puberty, I needed it, I thought. So I prayed each day for more patience.  Barbara's view on my prayer request was not a good one. Her view was one of, "you get what you pray for". Therefor, if I pray for patience, I will be given trials so that my patience can be given. 

You can ask God for one thing
and end up with another?

Now, why have I chosen this subject to share with the world today?  

I hadn't blogged in a while and wanted to post a bit about my life. But as I read my blog roll last night (as I do every night), I saw other bloggers excited to share their new lamp, or a trip to the thrift store, or a new planter, or a new place setting. I love those blogs, but I just can't seem to get as excited about my stuff as they do. Stuff like my new cake stand. It was a special gift, it is antique and is just beautiful. But it is just a thing, among many other things, I live with and use. It just didn't seem important.

This past week, our little K.R. had open heart surgery, four procedures in the heart and one big one just outside. The doctors prognosis was bad, "if he lives" through the surgery, "if he lives through" the night, and the second surgery, if the medicine works, if his pacemaker fixes his heart rhythm, and on and on.

I prayed for a miracle, to keep this little boy alive, for his doctors skills and education, and strength for his mommy and daddy. I even asked people of different faiths to ask their higher power to pitch in on the prayers.  I became a prayer seeker. I asked everyone to send positive energy to this little guy as he travels this medical journey. I prayed so hard, my knees got sore.

I sat here this morning, ready to tell all of you about my new cake stand, but it just didn't seem important. So I am asking all of you for prayers and positive thoughts for our little 2 month old K.R.

 He is a miracle.

The artery between his lungs and heart was clogged and constricted, his oxygen levels were dropping so they opened his chest to repair the damaged artery.  They placed him on the heart/lung machine and transferred his blood to the machine and stopped his heart. But he kept bleeding.  They kept repairing and then discovered he had TWO arteries!  This is what has kept him alive since birth, no one knew it was there, it wasn't detected on any tests, and the doctors had never seen anything like it before. They were completely taken by surprise and just couldn't explain it. 

Was this a miracle?
Had my prayers been answered?

It doesn't matter how you pray, or even if you call it prayer, or what religion you are, or even if you aren't religious, please take a moment and send him positive thoughts. He still needs to get off the ventilator, for the swelling and fluids to go down and for his chest to be closed. Mom and Dad have been staying in his room around the clock for over a week now. They need to get back to work to keep him double insured, at present, their co-pays are over $150,000.

Maybe I will tell you all about my new cake stand next time... after my prayers for K.R. have been given and he is back home in his favorite swing.