Tuesday, October 25, 2016

I am ready for it to happen...



Spring 2016, we bought new kayaks for the hubs and I to enjoy in our back yard pond. Our life out here in the boonies (hillbilly talk for way out in the country) is all about being outdoors, getting dirty and having so.


It is winding down, my life that is.  Some BIG projects for our area non-profit are slowing down, time to pass the torch so to say and move on. I have made many good friends, fought many long and hard battles, and am looking forward to others leading the way.

“Moving on is easy.
It's staying moved on that's trickier.”  
Katerina Stoykova Klemer


Moving on for me is to have total knee replacement in 9 days.  I am ready. I have given in to my right knee for many years, never realizing what I had given up in doing so.  Good posture, restful sleep, hiking, biking, squatting, and cleaning all those dust bunnies down low to name a few.  

Do any of you get tired?





These past two years have been busy ones.  Too busy for me.  I have fibromyalgia and it is kept under control with planned rest stops.  I also have an ileostomy, not my choice, but ulcerative colitis demanded it or my life at the age of 32.  I have managed this inconvenience well, only had two revisions and a relocation in the past 26 years. But the side effects of the many medications to treat this disease (that killed Glen Frey, the Eagles, RIP) have destroyed my bones. Time to get new ones, starting with my right knee.




I have stayed up on reading and following all the blogs I enjoy so much. But I sat quietly, afraid to speak in fear that I would not meet others expectations. You know those blogs that post regularly, with beautiful photos, positive attitudes and motivational views into their daily well-planned lives. 




I love those blogs,
and I look forward to reading those blogs every time they post.


Recently, though, a blog that I follow, published a "real life to me" post. Susan at Ash Tree Cottage, said she was tired, and hurting from a flare up of Fibromyalgia. Finally, some one said its ugly name and I was not alone anymore.  I know it took courage, desperation and some humility to publish her post.

http://ashtreecottage.blogspot.com/2016/10/my-struggle-with-fibromyalgia_8.html


I rarely tell people I have fibromyalgia or an ileostomy.
Unless you have it, you just won't understand it.





Sunday, October 23, 2016

Today is a new day...

Where do I start?


I have lost myself.

I built this blog myself,
I designed it, wrote it, and placed each word on every page.

I am proud of it.

So...
 I will continue to be me.

I really do love my life.
I live in a small town, surrounded by family and friends.


The colors here in the Ozarks are especially pretty this year.
Recently, our local community celebrated
Maple Leaf Fall Festival here in Carthage, MO.


Several homes along the parade route are ready for Fall!






Our own backyard is showing the
prettiest fall colors entwined with the evening shadows.
Every night about 7:15pm
God gives us the most serene setting,
sometimes it causes us to just stop and take it all in.


Home is where my heart is.







Thursday, January 21, 2016

What? Change the name?

On March 3, 2013, at 7:04 am in the morning, I created my blog. 

At first it was just a fun adventure, a place to store my writings, share my feelings, and journal about my experiences and thoughts.  

I loved learning. What a wonderful adventure Blogger opened for me. I would learn to publish, create, work with photos, type and graphics, add buttons and experiment with layout and design, my one and only consecutive hobby.  I learned about Picmonkey and Pizap from Sandra, I learned about sharing and being unafraid from Linda, I traveled with Debbie, and felt courage and endurance from Scribbler.  The journey was fun, relaxing and exhilarating.


I didn't care who I was in blogland,
I was just me, a learning chameleon,
growing from each new friend.

Then came the doubts... I must do better.  My blog must be more. I needed to choose my place in blogland and meet others expectations, follow regularly, comment regularly, my photos had to be perfect, thinking that my blog posts had to be planned and executed to the precision of a magazine article worthy of a mass media production.


It became a job.
I lost my way.
I lost my
"undemanded unpurpose".

Then, the everyday outside world demanded more and more of my time. Oh it was to be a temporary life situation, but the next 12 months are looking the same as the last twelve. I watched as my health deteriorated. Perhaps, I thought, my situation may not change, but my time was still mine to own, to make it what I want it to be. This included my blog.

So if you follow my blog, or follow me, or just happen by you will see some changes happening.  Not sure what they will be, or where this will take me, or where I will end up.  A brand new adventure is about to begin with no rules, no expectations, or even a destination.

Jackie
formerly Dazee


Remembering...
My first blog post on March 3, 2013 at 7:04am:

Today is my beginning, my new journal to myself. I will borrow, beg, plead, appreciate and post items that make me happy, lift me up and keep me moving in a positive direction. I will include MUSIC, ART, PHOTOGRAPHY, QUOTES, RECIPES and anything else that makes me smile each day. I will address subjects that are laying heavy on my mind, my dreams, my hopes, and my losses.

Dear self, this is a new beginning in my journal writing. I have written journal entries in the past. They are scattered about, in many different places. They are unorganized,and not easy to find. Some are positive, some are negative and some don't make any sense.



Tuesday, September 22, 2015

It just spins...


That little circle on my computer screen, it just spins and spins and spins. Then it reboots, on its own, and I get the message that 94 updates are installing and do not turn the computer off.  So... I go to the bathroom. I go outside.  Then I come back and watch that circle spin.

Is it the router again?  Is my 6 year old laptop dieing a slow death? Or is it my anti-virus software?  I am out of guesses and repairs. I have deleted many programs, defragmented, cleaned up disk space, removed tools, and stripped it down to the bare bones, but that circle just spins.

My life has been like that
spinning circle these past months. 

I feel like I am just spinning and not accomplishing anything, like I never get my head above water, I just swim against the current, then I change and go with the current, but I just don't seem to be going anywhere.  I am stuck, with my circle spinning as if it is waiting for me to fix something. I just don't know where to begin fixing.

Life is like that sometimes.  

I have been down this road before, several times in this life of 57 years. Whether it was a financial crisis, family crisis, health crisis, or job crisis, something changed my path and got me back on track.  Something hard came into my life, rallied me up and got me going in a single direction again taking small steps that led to progress and clearer paths. My priorities got re-aligned.

I am reacting instead of feeling like I have some control over my days, my hours, my minutes.  I make plans, all with good intentions and promises to myself to hold firm and not let any situation change them. Then my day starts and my plans get put on hold. I just start reacting to what ever fire is out of control that day.

Somedays the biggest fire is my own body.  It can change my plans, reroute my intentions and make my day change it's course.



I have spent the past few months trying to breathe, with chest pains, throat and tongue blisters and ulcers, sweats, and now high blood pressure, brain fog and extreme exhaustion. I have tried and tried to pull my big girl panties up each morning and stay focused on being positive, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, get some exercise and fulfilling the commitments that I have made. Frankly, my big girl panties are worn out, the elastic is stretched to the point they won't even stay on.

I stay on top of the research, watching all of the experts in this field try to discover cures and new treatments. But not one of those sites ever told me about the side effects. Of course we all get the list written by a lawyer when we refill a prescription, but there are so many side effects listed, I think they just write them to cover their legalities. So last night I clicked on a new site, one where real patients write reviews and ask questions. I found over 800 other patients taking the same drug and they had all experienced my same symptoms. Some quit the medication, some didn't. Some suffered serious side effects and it appears I am also.  So it is time to change it. 


My hope is that the blisters on my throat and tongue go away, that my blood pressure goes down (and I no longer need another pill), that my heart stops racing, that I quit blacking out, that my equilibrium improves, my chest pains stop, my weight stops falling, and that my energy level goes back up. I will exchange pain relief for strength, energy and a brain that doesn't fog up. And maybe I can focus again, enjoy my time and make plans.

I enjoy reading my friends blogs had intended to write an apology to my blogging friends for being out of touch and not writing. 

But I had to be real.

I couldn't pretend that my life is full of roses, or my home is clean and ready for a photo shoot or that I am just too busy to post. Many times I have sat down to write something, even something small, and I have struggled with words. Words are my voice, my inner peace maker, and in the past few months I haven't been able to find them. At times I couldn't even remember my husbands name.

So this is my life, and hopefully I am headed in a better direction.  We will see. Maybe this circle will stop spinning...