That little circle on my computer screen, it just spins and spins and spins. Then it reboots, on its own, and I get the message that 94 updates are installing and do not turn the computer off. So... I go to the bathroom. I go outside. Then I come back and watch that circle spin.
Is it the router again? Is my 6 year old laptop dieing a slow death? Or is it my anti-virus software? I am out of guesses and repairs. I have deleted many programs, defragmented, cleaned up disk space, removed tools, and stripped it down to the bare bones, but that circle just spins.
My life has been like that
spinning circle these past months.
I feel like I am just spinning and not accomplishing anything, like I never get my head above water, I just swim against the current, then I change and go with the current, but I just don't seem to be going anywhere. I am stuck, with my circle spinning as if it is waiting for me to fix something. I just don't know where to begin fixing.
Life is like that sometimes.
I have been down this road before, several times in this life of 57 years. Whether it was a financial crisis, family crisis, health crisis, or job crisis, something changed my path and got me back on track. Something hard came into my life, rallied me up and got me going in a single direction again taking small steps that led to progress and clearer paths. My priorities got re-aligned.
I am reacting instead of feeling like I have some control over my days, my hours, my minutes. I make plans, all with good intentions and promises to myself to hold firm and not let any situation change them. Then my day starts and my plans get put on hold. I just start reacting to what ever fire is out of control that day.
Somedays the biggest fire is my own body. It can change my plans, reroute my intentions and make my day change it's course.
I have spent the past few months trying to breathe, with chest pains, throat and tongue blisters and ulcers, sweats, and now high blood pressure, brain fog and extreme exhaustion. I have tried and tried to pull my big girl panties up each morning and stay focused on being positive, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, get some exercise and fulfilling the commitments that I have made. Frankly, my big girl panties are worn out, the elastic is stretched to the point they won't even stay on.
I stay on top of the research, watching all of the experts in this field try to discover cures and new treatments. But not one of those sites ever told me about the side effects. Of course we all get the list written by a lawyer when we refill a prescription, but there are so many side effects listed, I think they just write them to cover their legalities. So last night I clicked on a new site, one where real patients write reviews and ask questions. I found over 800 other patients taking the same drug and they had all experienced my same symptoms. Some quit the medication, some didn't. Some suffered serious side effects and it appears I am also. So it is time to change it.
My hope is that the blisters on my throat and tongue go away, that my blood pressure goes down (and I no longer need another pill), that my heart stops racing, that I quit blacking out, that my equilibrium improves, my chest pains stop, my weight stops falling, and that my energy level goes back up. I will exchange pain relief for strength, energy and a brain that doesn't fog up. And maybe I can focus again, enjoy my time and make plans.
I enjoy reading my friends blogs had intended to write an apology to my blogging friends for being out of touch and not writing.
But I had to be real.
I couldn't pretend that my life is full of roses, or my home is clean and ready for a photo shoot or that I am just too busy to post. Many times I have sat down to write something, even something small, and I have struggled with words. Words are my voice, my inner peace maker, and in the past few months I haven't been able to find them. At times I couldn't even remember my husbands name.
So this is my life, and hopefully I am headed in a better direction. We will see. Maybe this circle will stop spinning...