Tuesday, September 22, 2015

It just spins...

That little circle on my computer screen, it just spins and spins and spins. Then it reboots, on its own, and I get the message that 94 updates are installing and do not turn the computer off.  So... I go to the bathroom. I go outside.  Then I come back and watch that circle spin.

Is it the router again?  Is my 6 year old laptop dieing a slow death? Or is it my anti-virus software?  I am out of guesses and repairs. I have deleted many programs, defragmented, cleaned up disk space, removed tools, and stripped it down to the bare bones, but that circle just spins.

My life has been like that
spinning circle these past months. 

I feel like I am just spinning and not accomplishing anything, like I never get my head above water, I just swim against the current, then I change and go with the current, but I just don't seem to be going anywhere.  I am stuck, with my circle spinning as if it is waiting for me to fix something. I just don't know where to begin fixing.

Life is like that sometimes.  

I have been down this road before, several times in this life of 57 years. Whether it was a financial crisis, family crisis, health crisis, or job crisis, something changed my path and got me back on track.  Something hard came into my life, rallied me up and got me going in a single direction again taking small steps that led to progress and clearer paths. My priorities got re-aligned.

I am reacting instead of feeling like I have some control over my days, my hours, my minutes.  I make plans, all with good intentions and promises to myself to hold firm and not let any situation change them. Then my day starts and my plans get put on hold. I just start reacting to what ever fire is out of control that day.

Somedays the biggest fire is my own body.  It can change my plans, reroute my intentions and make my day change it's course.

I have spent the past few months trying to breathe, with chest pains, throat and tongue blisters and ulcers, sweats, and now high blood pressure, brain fog and extreme exhaustion. I have tried and tried to pull my big girl panties up each morning and stay focused on being positive, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, get some exercise and fulfilling the commitments that I have made. Frankly, my big girl panties are worn out, the elastic is stretched to the point they won't even stay on.

I stay on top of the research, watching all of the experts in this field try to discover cures and new treatments. But not one of those sites ever told me about the side effects. Of course we all get the list written by a lawyer when we refill a prescription, but there are so many side effects listed, I think they just write them to cover their legalities. So last night I clicked on a new site, one where real patients write reviews and ask questions. I found over 800 other patients taking the same drug and they had all experienced my same symptoms. Some quit the medication, some didn't. Some suffered serious side effects and it appears I am also.  So it is time to change it. 

My hope is that the blisters on my throat and tongue go away, that my blood pressure goes down (and I no longer need another pill), that my heart stops racing, that I quit blacking out, that my equilibrium improves, my chest pains stop, my weight stops falling, and that my energy level goes back up. I will exchange pain relief for strength, energy and a brain that doesn't fog up. And maybe I can focus again, enjoy my time and make plans.

I enjoy reading my friends blogs had intended to write an apology to my blogging friends for being out of touch and not writing. 

But I had to be real.

I couldn't pretend that my life is full of roses, or my home is clean and ready for a photo shoot or that I am just too busy to post. Many times I have sat down to write something, even something small, and I have struggled with words. Words are my voice, my inner peace maker, and in the past few months I haven't been able to find them. At times I couldn't even remember my husbands name.

So this is my life, and hopefully I am headed in a better direction.  We will see. Maybe this circle will stop spinning...


  1. I know where you are! I have been there and am just now stepping out of it. Prayers you can do the same soon. My little secret...coconut oil and probiotics. Coconut oil from Kroger and cheap probiotics from Walmart. Then, I just realized like 5 days ago, so much of my problems have been the metforimin for my diabetes. I googled the side effects, and could check them off one by one. I quit them and within 24 hours, I felt better, more energy. Less pain, no fog, no more diarrhea, no more runny nose, sneezing, coughing. No dizziness and no more running ears. Doing all of this has got me going again. Slowly but going. I have been spinning in circles all year. Get the coconut oil and take a teaspoon 2-3 times a day and I only do one probiotic in the morning when I get up. So many prayers for you. Find your way out. ;0)

    1. Thank you for lifting me up today, I will try the coconut oil and probiotics. Recommendations by other patients are the best kind. Now I'm doing withdrawals but am just so glad to not have the chest pain. I learned a lesson... Don't just read the professionals opinions, but search till I find other patients reviews, then it all made sense. Today is my first day without Savella and the withdrawals are a little rough. Life will get better

  2. that spinning is cause my a malware virus so needs to be removed. as for the way your life is spinning, i am so very sorry and my prayers are with you... these new miracle drugs can be horror drugs and it sounds like that happened to you. i pray now that God will help you with the withdrawal symptons and heal you

    1. Sandra, I have AVG installed and it has not found anything. It takes forever to build the screens that have a lot of photos or videos. Even my iPad is slow. Our router kept turning off so a friend loaned me another one just like it but it didn't improve any speed. I will dig further and try to find any malware, please offer any advice you may have, I appreciate your help!

  3. Health issues put a damper on everything in our life. You're definitely not alone with your feelings. I actually don't enjoy blogs that are constantly sugar-coated. Life isn't that way. Real people have issues from time to time. Sure hope your horrid symptoms can be remedied soon. ((HUGS))

  4. So nice to meet you!
    And I too have times when life seems to spin...
    I have recently started meditation in the mornings. It has been so helpful...
    Blessings for a cozy, calm day. : )

    1. Thank you Billy Jo, I was doing tai chi stretching and some yoga but this latest bout knocked me down. I am trying to get back to it, it was so good for me. 3 days now without the savella but I've had no improvement yet, I am staying positive though.

  5. Thank you Sweet Tea, I love your blog posts, you are like a pen pal and I love that your blog keeps us grounded and feeling normal. Life is ups and downs, I am grateful for I know so many who are facing more difficult challenges and less choices. I had to have my esophagus stretched and go for more tests, my gastro doctor retired, and the new one is only focused on his specialty, not the whole body. How do you get all the specialized doctors to talk to each other? Or work together?

  6. I love your post. How's everything? I hope all is well. Always remember, you're not alone.


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