Friday, August 22, 2014

What do I do?

I have told you about my friend. Two years go, she went through a major life changing medical issue and is physically doing very well. But she is angry. Our conversations changed, they are different since her emergency, very different.

Now our friendship
is estranged a bit.

I have tried to be positive, to offer encouragement, to help. I have taken her to my doctor only to have her give him a cussing and spread vicious lies about him. I have suggested a mental health counselor and she let me know right away that she was "too strong a person to have any mental problems". I recently quit driving her anywhere because I found myself wanting to leave her when she explodes in public. It has been a rough two years.

My efforts to be in her life are met with anger. Verbal, cussing fits, accusations of theft towards the very ones she loves. The content of our conversations is always the same, only the name changes.  I thought it couldn't get any worse.

Then it did. Her husband walked upon our phone conversation and begged her to calm down. I heard her talk to him with her rage, she verbally abused him. Her words to him were demeaning, violent and totally inexcusable.  I hung up.

Now... I don't know what to do.

Do I keep trying or do I draw a line in the sand? 

Do I tell her enough is enough?
Or, do I keep quiet?

How do I take a chance that our friendship might end and not feel this enormous amount of guilt if it does? You see guilt has always been my thing. For many, many years I thrived on it, built my self esteem around it, then one day, it all fell apart. I promised myself I would never allow guilt to make decisions for me ever again.

Now here it is,
right in front of me,
staring at me,
daring me to make a move.


  1. she sounds like she has dementia... i have known many atlzheimer and dementia patients and some of them are just like this.. walking away from her should not make you feel guilty. your own health can be affected by her. she does need mental help, but there is nothing you can do, that is up to her family... i have a friend that is mean and a lot like this, not nearly as bad as you describe but she is so mean and hateful it is hard to talk to her. grumpy and negative. i see her at the gym, but never go anywhere with her... she pulls me down and i don't need that. since there is nothing you can do, i say walk away and forget the guilt thing.

  2. Thank you Sandra, I know stepping back is the right thing for me. But it is hard to do. Inside that rage was a good person I am losing my faith that her good side will return and I hate to abandon her husband. He is still there for her even though he rarely speaks anymore.

  3. Oh my this sounds awful. Can you talk with the husband alone and get his thoughts on what is happening? - Also lots of Prayer and having people pray for her is a good idea. Even scientist are now recognizing the power of prayer.

  4. I only surround myself with happy, joyful people!! When my friends go thru stuff, I am always there for them. I have seen some very dark days with my health and my friends were always there for me. With that said, these events were not never ending and nothing like you are describing. If it were me, I would just back off. Life is suppose to be fun, you can laugh and cry at the same time and everyone needs to know what's except able behavior and what's not. Being sick is not a license to misbehave!! Good luck!!

  5. Is her family willing to intervene in any way? She needs to see a Neurologist. They can determine what is wrong and with meds she should be able "to get her life back". Something is terribly wrong and she needs professional evaluation and help. i do know from experience that it's very hard to get mental health help for someone who doesn't want help. The system is not "user friendly" for family or friends to access help for their family member or friend...Perhaps you should limit your friendship to short phone calls, texts, or snail mail cards. This type of on-going behavior will take it's toll on you. No guilt allowed. You love your friend but she's not in any state to offer friendship at this time. You are such a Sweetie for caring as you do.

    1. Thank you all for your wise words, this has been a hard topic for me to share. I just don't have a clear answer. She has been to three neurologists and her family seems to have given up. I think they (and me too) are worn out. She was diagnosed with hyperthyroid and is on a high dose of thyroid meds. Other than that she takes no other meds. Our friendship is strained at this moment and I think I will leave it there and see what happens. I will put it in God's hands to be what he chooses.

  6. Hi Dazeez! Thanks for coming by and reading my Deer Hunter wife post! My husband has washed his clothes in stinky soap! I am off to work but I'll be back to read you post. The pictures caught my eye. I am following you! Have a good day.


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