I just don't feel like
again this year.
I thought last year would be my last SAD Christmas, that with some help from a friend, who is blessed with great therapy skills, I would be back to my ol' Merry self.
I've dealt with sad times before, had many losses throughout my long years, and not had this much time lapse between the laughs and giggles. In 1996, I lost my Father, I cried, and then made a major decision that changed my life for the better and opened up a new world of happiness to me. I grew up that year.
But two years ago last night, at exactly 9:45pm, I watched my brother bleed to death and die right in front of me, feeling helpless, screaming for God to give me 24 more hours with him so I could have a time to say goodbye.
I would tell him how important he had been in my life, thank him for teaching me to drive when I was 15 and for pulling my foot out of boiling water when I was just 6 years old, for fixing everything I ever asked him to fix, for taking good care of my big dog when I was out of town, and especially for being the best biggest brother I had ever had. The list was long, I needed at least 24 hours. But God said no, and took him home, leaving me there with him on the porch, covered in blood. His last words to me were "I need you".
I had been dealing with it, had been happier, had more happy times this past year. Then yesterday, December 23rd at 9:45pm, it changed and this morning it is still here. Tears...
I tell myself
"I am a grown up, people have sadness in their lives, it is a part of life, get over it, let it go, move on, and allow happiness to fill up and move the sadness to the back, life goes on."
But on December 23rd at 9:45pm,
it comes back.
So I pray again this morning, the same prayer I prayed last year on December 23rd, to fade this memory and wipe away my tears.