Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Where is my MERRY?

I just don't feel like
MERRY Christmas,
again this year.  

I thought last year would be my last SAD Christmas, that with some help from a friend, who is blessed with great therapy skills, I would be back to my ol' Merry self.

I've dealt with sad times before, had many losses throughout my long years, and not had this much time lapse between the laughs and giggles. In 1996, I lost my Father, I cried, and then made a major decision that changed my life for the better and opened up a new world of happiness to me. I grew up that year.

But two years ago last night, at exactly 9:45pm, I watched my brother bleed to death and die right in front of me, feeling helpless, screaming for God to give me 24 more hours with him so I could have a time to say goodbye. 

I would tell him how important he had been in my life, thank him for teaching me to drive when I was 15 and for pulling my foot out of boiling water when I was just 6 years old, for fixing everything I ever asked him to fix, for taking good care of my big dog when I was out of town, and especially for being the best biggest brother I had ever had. The list was long, I needed at least 24 hours. But God said no, and took him home, leaving me there with him on the porch, covered in blood. His last words to me were "I need you".

I had been dealing with it, had been happier, had more happy times this past year. Then yesterday, December 23rd at 9:45pm, it changed and this morning it is still here. Tears...

I tell myself 
"I am a grown up, people have sadness in their lives, it is a part of life, get over it, let it go, move on, and allow happiness to fill up and move the sadness to the back, life goes on."

But on December 23rd at 9:45pm,
it comes back. 

His face, his expression of life leaving him, stays, imprinted in my mind, even though I pray for God to release me from this, this memory, to make it fade and be replaced with his laughter, his quick witty comments, his caring and quiet voice.

So I pray again this morning, the same prayer I prayed last year on December 23rd, to fade this memory and wipe away my tears.

I want
MERRY back. 


  1. Jackie I have heard others say the best thing is to talk about what happened that night and about the lost loved one. you have done that here and i hope your words to us have started a peaceful comfort of healing in your heart and mind. thank you for sharing this with us. I pray now for God to grant you peace and joy and your Christmas merry back.

  2. oh jackie, i don't think you ever recover from losses like you have experienced. you learn to go on, but in a different way!!

    i had an extremely fractured relationship with my dad, so much abuse. when he died, i couldn't cry, i couldn't feel saddness but i wanted to. my message to you is this.....you are very lucky to have loved so much, so deeply that you can feel this much pain and saddness. to have had these relationships in you life.

    i am sending you joy, happiness and love from the jersey shore!!

  3. You just told him. He can hear you. Tell him what you want him to know, but he knows already. See, from up there, he can see your heart. There was nothing left undone, nothing left unfelt. He knows. He probably always did. His ride here is over, but yours isn't. And what did he teach about the ride?


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